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Things people have put on their CV when applying for jobs:

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and
absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

I Love Her, But... (A collection of men's thoughts on their women.)

... she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?
--Ted, Wexford, Pa.

... what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
--Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.

... she makes lists; Things to buy, things to do, people to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.
--Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.

... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.
--Jim, Minneapolis

... every so often boom! She's a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.
--Cary, Seattle

... she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
--Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.

... after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning..."
--Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

... she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.
--Archie, St. Louis

... she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.
--Conrad, Wilmington, Del.

... it annoys her that our children look like me.
--James, New Orleans

... with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time to notice her.
--Bob, Charleston, W.Va.

Why Santa Claus Doesn't Exist

1. There is approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

2. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

3. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them. Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

4. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

5. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now

Airport Story

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo: During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking
a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first,
and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks in line behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly.

Slogan Problems

1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

Advice for Idiots

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP 'Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees': "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

In-flight Humor

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

5. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more."

6. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

7. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

8. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

9. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

10. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

11. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

12. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Speeding

GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was standing up
the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)

BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent
the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.

BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are
going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball," He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while
she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

Wise Words

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the heck alone.

It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Bumper Stickers

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

If at first You Don't Succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling

Save your breath You'll need it to blow up your date!

So you're a feminist Isn't that cute

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]

Boldly Going Nowhere

Cat: The Other White Meat

Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

Caution: I drive like you do.

The Plan

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It's a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors saying, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors then went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto it, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.

This is how Shit Happens.

25 Phrases you wish you could say at work...

1.      Ah...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2.      I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3.      How about never? Is never good for you?
4.      I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5.      I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6.      I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7.      I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8.      I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9.      It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10.     I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
11.     I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12.     You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13.     I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
14.     I’m already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
15.     I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16.     Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17.     The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18.     Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19.     What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20.     I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21.     It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22.     Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23.     No, my powers can only be used for good.
24.     You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25.     Who me? I just wander from room to room.

People who have contributed to this page : Ian Grant - Francis Herbert - Kevin Carlyle - Brendon Allen - Jeremy Cooke